Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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