you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dear god my vagina.
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