My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
