he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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