I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
