u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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