Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
