is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
