Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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