Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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