I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
