I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
