She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
