I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
