for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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