I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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