I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
