he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
