Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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