I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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