Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
