just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
