I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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