OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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