Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
