I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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