We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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