I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You left your phone here
Wait...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
