So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize