my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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