Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
