3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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