Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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