yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
