So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Are we still banned from the library?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
