I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
