who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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