I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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