i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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