This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
