I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
