No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
