Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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