Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
