just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize