everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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