yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My ass is underappreciated
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
