im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
