So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
