Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
