Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
