i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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