Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
