before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think my moral compass just broke
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