i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
