I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
