I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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