Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
