I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize