today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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